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Doof God -- Dog food


Chapter Love and Dog Food

I have a dog and his name was given to him without us being there.  So his name is Max. I call him Maximus after that crappy Gladiator movie.  Yes, I hate Gladiator.  It blows.  And it is not why I am writing this.
  My dog who always tries to test my patience and my brains.  He always hungry and thirsty.  And before all those dog lovers start fake diagnosing my dog for doggy diabetes or other stupid ideas.  He is what we all do and that eat and drink and 'take one.'  He sums up what we all do everyday.  Sh#t, Sleep, and Shove food down throats.  Or his throat.  He loves to crap on other peoples lawns and not dump on my lawn.  Yeah, he is good at sh#tting.  At his 'maximum' he craps two a day.

 I thought you did not have to think about 'dumping' or have a talent at it.  But as you get older you wish you could 'take one' better every year.  Instead you 'dung drop' worse every year.  You start taking ideas on crapping from your friends and family. 

"Well the best way to 'take one' is after a good meal.  Or is it better to take one after you wake up in the morning." 

That's the optimum sh#t time.  Morning.  The best 'John Crapper' happens then.  Well my dog never has colon issues. ~Never..ever.

I thought about changing my name to Max to see if my colon would respond  to it.  Yeah, I am talking about 'taking a dump' for a good several paragraphs.  Well since you are reading this you just have it fight through the...Sh#t.

"We feed our dog, dog food." 

That's seems ok-- to say but if you think about it.  Dog food isn't half bad.  Meat in a can.  Well we eat meat in a can too.  We call get dolphin safe tuna.

Then I pour dry dog food in his other bowl.  Guess what we eat dry foods like potato chips, cereal or nuts.

So why do we call it dog food.  I guess because the dog won't get confused and start eating my food.  Nope too late.  He just ate my food too.  He always eats my food.  So do I call my food, dog food now?  Since he likes eating it?  Of course not. 

"You are being silly."

"Not really.  I am being Maximus." 

And he loves dog food and our food and any food he can get his paws on.  He eats that 'other stuff' too.  I guess that's why we do love him.  A predator that lives with us and protects us and kills for us.

"Those who are about to die, I salute you!"

 Amen.  German Shepherd Amen. 


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I was asked in a interview one day...What is my process? This was very unexpected for me and needless to say I had nothing to say. I ended up stating,"...a pencil and white sheet of paper."

 The young interviewer stated, " Mr Atrocity, that's not a process." I stated, "...yeah well there you go." He said "Mr Atrocity," like I was twelve and I had just given him a very disappointing answer. I could almost hear him nodding through the smart phone with bone cracking displeasure.

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