HIMYM---the last episode got me thinking.
"Well kids, if you are reading this, a man just became available and is on the market."
Lies is what put me here and what is true kept me married for twenty one plus years and counting.
"The market I am talking about kids-- is the market of the other woman--that still beats. I am available because I am married."
Now most of you reading this would say,
"That is just despicable."
Well, you are not wrong. The disciples of what is 'true' will say,
"Happily ever after is what matters---most!"
But it is the only thing that keeps me sane. The only thing that drives from doing things I will regret. The act of being alone is a greater crime than remaining miserable.
The act of crying has become the understanding of one's neighbor and loving him or her. Once this really starts-- the world will fall apart and crumble like the twin towers. We are crumbling and there is nothing you can do about it. I don't mean financial or spiritual-- I mean where it really counts, in the mind. The mind keeps you sane. This is a strange thing to say,
"Sanity is only in the mind."
The true nature of keeping a marriage alive-- well, is not caring about the victim. You cannot care about what is going on-- soon as you do, objectivity is lost and the marriage starts to die. Sure you can jolt it back to life. But if you really knew what-- jolt it back to life-- meant then you know it's just borrowed time.
Eventually whatever made it die in the first place will rear its ugly head--again and again. The lies we say to ourselves are the only ones that really work. When we try to tell others the same lies we have convinced ourselves of-- they never work.
The hearer can tell you are lying to yourself and are just revealing too much to the them. TMI-- is what the hearer calls it. This revealing too much to the other-- is the problem. Only a strong woman can take the slings and arrows of the truth.
We all think--just cop to our sins-- it will all be better. Funny. Cop to our sins? No-- lies is what drives us to better things in life. Kids and money. And the vacations we all took and really cannot afford to go on anymore. Not because of money but because it creates new memories. The new memories will have to be remembered some day. And that is the problem.
Vacations are for people who have friends. When you go to a cult church you always have friends. Friends of the cult. They will preach to you over and over. No new people come into cults. When cults start taking in more people or growing, this is a sign that the cult is good. When people eventually leave, that is the sign the cult was bad. It was neither.
"It's just the winds of change in the air."
People all decided to join and then leave. The true believers stayed. They are the real sad ones. Staying, wanting for their love to return. When we see real life metaphors for Romantic Comedies. We never want to live our life the way we see a good CRY movie. Some people cry at funerals or weddings or at an old man's birthday party. I cry at movies. I believe for two hours if the story is logical and emotional enough-- I cry.
So I cry when no one cries. I usually have techniques to keep some one else from knowing that I am crying. I hate in a movie when the Titanic is sinking I hear in the audience---someone blowing their nose and crying. Like the world told them it's ok to cry and tell all the others.
"What saps---what f-ing saps they are!"
Lies are the true ones. The single 'fear-tear' falling at a movie only you understand. Or the time a 'leave-leaf' fell at your feet in a most perfect way. Or the time you finally got that letter - that letter that did change you. The time for crying isn't when the body is cold and lifeless, it is when there is time to correct the problem. Before it dies not after. Crying can save a marriage. I don't believe it---I know it.
Save is not what you think save is. I had a uncle and he died some twelve years ago maybe longer. But his body remained--breathing. Sh#tting and p#ssing. So by all standards of life he was still here. But he was dead. And the people taking care of his body---were the bastards. The f&cking bastards because he was dead-- man. Dead, dead, dead. But 'these guys' took care until he really died and they burned him up. Like some grand sacrifice. A grand funeral. I could not bear to watch. I did not go. I did not care enough. Really it was that I was going to destroy their proceedings by telling them the truth just by standing there and when they looked into my face, it would be-- over.
Well-- the body is now---breathing, sh#tting and p#ssing by all means --still here. But really living is letting it pass ---pass into that good night.
And engraving on a grand-- corner stone of a new life-- divorced from our past.
"Today it was pronounced ' divorced of the past ' by the power invested in me in the state of California."
Well after the death or continual living of the body called-- two people's dreams. Not done.
You have to play games when the other party doesn't want to fight. So you'll pick fights to have a life, IE-- Make a life through children-- not kids.
Real Children. Don't ever say kids. Kids are goats. Goats are easier and better tasting. Children are the greatest prison of our lives-- for us humans. We will sacrifice it all for them. And when we tell them that and they will look at us and say,
"So-- it's not our fault."
The truth is in the little ones. Always. We con ourselves that is what keeps a marriage going-- children. No-- that is what keeps you from getting-- the 'Dee-word.'
The truth is what you knew the day you got married-- it was not going to be a home run just an-- in the park double or maybe luck will come and you can stretch it to third and say,
"... see it's not too bad, right-??"
It was like that young rookie you are about to draft and it's a long shot. When you get married no one looks for-- a Cal Ripkin. A late rounder with a weak arm and looks like a non athlete. But his heart ain't on the meter and is not defined.
Egyptians had it right. The heart is where it all is. When you get to the after life---you are greeted by Anubis and he will weigh your heart against a feather. If you are 'lite-hearted' you will balance the scale and enter the afterlife. The other---the other is resurrection.
If you understand the implications then you know. Tales of resurrection are not for the victors but the damned. It's impossible to go to the after life because it does not have what we all need--experiences. We are living because we find ourselves alive. Eating and drinking --sh#tting--p#ssing.
We are not truly living, are we?
I write today because the truth needs to come out. I never write lies. I never say lies either. In the end that is what doomed me to ever lasting peace---telling too much truth. We want someone to call us and cold call us. Pitch us on a better and different life. Not because we want it, just because we don't really want it.
We wish we could just purchase that new life after a great salesman sold it us. Then not open it until it's time. Well that purchase was made twenty one plus years ago. By me---now its time. To see if what I was sold is worth--all that saving-- all those years.
If I dare to open the grand box what will be in there is well --It's our Heart--the other white meat--that still beats. That's the other woman-- by the way. The love I cannot turn my back on now. My heart-- my dreams all my hopes and wishes.
It's the thing we know we must do before we pass into that glorious night. Save your heart and you will save your life-- my friends. Save a dream and act on it before it is really-- too late. When you see Anubis-- before us and he's weighing your carnal hearts against a single white--feather!
What drama the Egyptians believed. They were truly great. So take up your mantle or cause or 'zealot-tree now! Because now is no better time to be resurrected into a new and better life---may the lies keep us safe---and what is true, is saved in a closet where no one can reach-- and steal your hopes or better your dreams. ~Until it's time.
Atrocity out and yes--crying but still smiling.